the problem as i see it

my nature seems to contain two clear factors: i am an efficient mindless worker and i am relatively creative person. these two things seem to be in opposition. i am extremely comfortable doing earning money through mindless routine tasks that have little if any effect on the world at large. i am happy if no one cares if do my job well or poorly, and most often i will do the job well anyway. this does not satisfy me, but it gives me a sense on internal peace i do not find in "meaningful" work. i would much rather earn money doing something pointless than something vital, or even mildly more important. I am naturally creative. as writing becomes a weekly duty for me i find that my creativity with this writing does not diminish. i am able to express myself to some extent despite other more pressing concerns in my life. which could discourage me from the relatively minor 500 words for five dollars writing job.Both fo these things would seem comforting. i am not tethered by the seemingly universal need for one's life's work to be important, nor do i appear to be a finite well of creative expression doomed to dry up. but both of these facts about me are leashed by a third more paramount fact: i seem to be utterly incapable of taking care of myself for an extended period of time. i am unable and often unwilling to show the most basic foundation of life on earth: self-preservation. why i don't take care of myself, physically, emotionally, socially, professionally, is something i don't understand. and perhaps that is the route of the problem.