A Review of a Film I Refuse To See: Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

I made a conscious decision to not see the latest Judd Apatow effort Walk Hard thanks to two big problems I see with the film:
1) It is an obvious parody of the Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line.
Walk The Line was a poignant yet entertaining film which managed the difficult task of chronicling the life one of the most popular musicians in history while still being entertaining and reasonably factually accurate. None of this makes Walk The Line off limits for parody. What does is that Walk The Line was released in 2005.
Timeliness is a key factor in satire and making a feature length satire of a film that's over two years old, is about as timely as when Jay Leno still makes a joke about Bill Clinton. The key to a successful and entertaining satire of a movie is to begin work on the satire the first time you see the original in theaters, not the first time you see it in a bargain bin at Sam Goody. I understand it takes time to make a Hollywood picture, modern film-making is a complicated process, but it does not take two years to crank out an hour and 36 minute dick joke, particularly not for Judd Apatow, America's single most prolific dick jokester.
Simply put, if this movie had come out, say, a year a go, I wouldn't really have any problem with it... except for:
2) It stars John C. Reilly in a role clearly written for Will Ferrell.
Now we could assume Walk Hard was probably originally meant to star Ferrell for several reasons, it's written by Apatow, it's a film about a crazy guy doing funny things, the official poster features John C. Reilly trying his best to pass as Will Ferrell, but they all fall short of the most glaring reason: the entire movie fits perfectly within the parameters of the Will Ferrell formula (courtesy of collegehumor.com). The following formula applies to 99.9% of all of Will Ferrell's starring roles:
"Will Ferrell plays (character name), an egotistical, obnoxious (character's job) at the top of his profession. He and his sidekick, played by (insert name of popular comedy actor), seem invincible until their dominance is threatened by a new rival. (Character's name)'s excessive pride causes him to spiral downward to comical lows. When he is at the depths of despair, he removes his shirt and bellows, (Nonsensical, yet hilarious quote). After a wacky training process featuring a surprise cameo by (insert name of actor who happens to be on set that day) and a marginally-developed romantic subplot, he enters into a climactic showdown with his rival and emerges victorious - but not without learning a thing or two about friendship."
Go ahead and apply The Dewey Cox Story to that formula and you'll see that it matches so well that I would not hesitate to think that Judd Apatow was online one day, came across this program and figured he'd save himself some time.
Now, the fact that Walk Hard is a formulaic comedy is not really the problem. The problem is they used the formula on a different actor. Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly have several things in common, curly hair, soft chins, torsos developed through years of an exhaustive regimen of beer and donuts, but acting style is not one of them.
Reilly is a critically-acclaimed, Oscar-nominated character actor, known for both his dramatic roles in films such as Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm and The Aviator, as well as for occasional supporting roles in nonsensical comedies such as Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny, Tom Goes To The Mayor and of course Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Will Ferrell is also critically acclaimed, and has been nominated for two Golden Globes, and while some might argue he's a character actor, he only really plays one character, the obnoxious, crazy guy who is unaware that he is either. And while he has a long list of both supporting and starring roles in comedies, his only roles that pass as dramatic are in comedies that weren't funny (I'm looking at you, The Ladies Man).
Just because both actors appeared side-by-side in the well-received Talladega Nights doesn't mean they're by any means interchangeable, particularly not in a formulaic comedy. As with any formula, you can't just change the ratio of ingredients and expect the same result. Change 8 parts Will Ferrell and 2 parts John C. Reilly to 8 parts John C. Reilly and 2 parts Tim Meadows and there's a good chance you now have the ingredients for a bomb.
Groan-inducing movie-related puns aside, I would happily watch Walk Hard if it had come out last year featuring Will Ferrell. I would sit back in a darkened theater, clutching a Diet Coke the size of my head and a box of Junior Mints the exact dimensions of a boogie board while laughing heartily at every single "Hard Cox" joke that would grace the screen. But by making those two small mistakes, the entire feeling of the film is changed and rather than gorge myself on the guilty pleasure trifecta of mindless comedy, aspartame and high fructose corn syrup, I'm left to sit here in my apartment, killing time until I go to work by writing a pithy review of a film I categorically refuse to see. Do you see what you've done, Judd Apatow? Do you see?