"you’re a bad person. so am i"- a lost friend

it's the ninth of november. it's one of the few things about modern living that i take issue with. stating the time and date are at most times redundant. i find this unfortunate. much like it is advised when one wishing to commit something to memory they should write it down, then later write it down again, i think stating the time and date helps commit them to memory. not that it is essential that i remember later what the exact date was when i sat here to write this, listening to prodigy's "smack my bitch up" play on my WMP. waiting for another hour to pass so i can give up on waiting for the doorbell to ring and leave my apartment for the first time in three days. If i wanted to know the date so bad i could just look it up in my endless e-mail archives. no, stating the date reminds me when it is right now. i think too often i forget that.these are the pertinent facts about myself as i understand them:1) I do not care about myself. when i look in the mirror i see someone i know, but who i have no feelings for. like an acquaintance whose been in your class since kindergarten, but who you'd never really paid attention to. i have to express concern for this person, because i live in their body, but i do so only out of instinctual self-preservation. this makes maintenance of their existance little more than a chore. this might explain why an hour ago marked the first time i'd showered in three days, this being the longest i'd been out of bed in that time. 2) i consider myself a bad person. this is not do to my actions in life, although they do not doa nythign to refute this assertion. this is based really on my own awareness of the content of my character. when i look in my own eyes i see an honorable person, but also unflinching, cold, calculated evil. perhaps this makes me insane. perhaps this makes me melodramatic. i don't know. i don't particularly care.3) i will always be the way i am now. i realize as i look back at pictures of myself i have always been who i am. what i mean is there are some people who change significantly as time goes one, and there are others who are always the same, with minor changes apparent throughout their life, but they always kind of look the same. google images of Alan Watts for examples.4) i have stopped taking the medication i have been on since i was 15. with the sole exception of some family everyone i know has only ever seen me while medicated. for some reason the prospect of being an entirely different person than almost everyone i care about knows does not bother me in the slightest. this said i don't think i'll change much. i know everything about me, but i don't know if that means that i know who i am. i'm not particularly interested in myself, so i don't really care to know more than i already do. existentially this would present a problem. one must show self-reflection in order to do good. this is shown throughout history. but is it possible to be self-reflective without knowing what you're looking at?